Caleb

I've been wrestling with the feeling of missing something all weekend. I don't know what's worse; knowing what you're longing for and aching for it, or being aware of the longing without knowing what exactly it is for.

The obvious and easiest answer would be my ex-boyfriend. But I think of him, and I can't describe what about him it is that I miss. It's made me realize that it's not him that I'm feeling empty without. It's a relief and a disappointment at the same time. When I used to complain to him that we didn't spend enough time together, it had never occured to me that the lack of seeing him throughout the week and a single weekend visit, twice if I was lucky, would one day be a blessing in disguise. It's made it easier to not expect his presence.

Okay, so it's not the ex. So what? The family's away this week. Mom, Dad and baby brother are vacationing in Cuba (and missing out on the freak Sunday afternoon snowfall I might add). Not having Diego around makes life quieter and less exciting, but Karla's here and we're getting some sisterly bonding time, something that doesn't happen very often. She's away at school for most of the year and tends to spend her summers out in the world, doing good. This year will see her spending her second summer in Guatemala, teaching in rural village.

So not the ex-boyfriend. Not the familia. I'm at a loss.

Until, as I am in the kitchen making lunch, the thought of Caleb pops into my head, and tears well up in my eyes. Yup, that's it.

Caleb is the "adopted" child of my ex's family. He has been diagnosed with both Downs Syndrome and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. He will be turning 16 this year and has no prospects of ever living an independent life. During the week, he lives with his adoptive mom and dad. On most Fridays, he leaves his home and spends the weekend with my ex's family. This gives his parents a "break". Apparently, taking care of their son is so taxing, they can't handle more than 5 consecutive days with him. I am convinced the only reason they even keep him that long is because he's in school. He's spent the last two Christmases, as well as every other major holiday, with the my ex's family instead of in his own home. The love the this family has for Caleb is unarguable, they treat him as one of their own.

Knowing all of the adversity that Caleb endures, I am amazed to know the unconditional love this child shows. Walking in the door, he greets me with a stuttered "Hello Al". The moment my boyfriend got off of the couch, Caleb snuggles into his spot next to me. He would plant wet kisses on my nose, and use his sign lanuage as he stutters "I... love... Al". He would ask if I was happy. This treatment was repeated for everyone in the house, especially towards those who didn't welcome it. Caleb has a tendency to gravitate to those who avoid him as much as possible. At times he is yelled at for misbehaving, put in the corner because he had pushed buttons on the TV remote. A brief look of saddness would cross his face as he apologizes. The minute punishment was over, he smiles and cuddles up to the one he has wronged. His love is unconditional.

Aside from a weekly visit to my boyfriend's house, I never saw him much. Yet every time, the warmness towards me only grew. When the family would argue about whose house Caleb would stay at that night, I always used to say I would take him. They would tell me I was crazy for wanting him around. I think I would be crazy not to. I don't think anyone has ever loved me the way Caleb has.