Ever stage conversations in your head? Plan the whole dialogue in your mind, knowing what you'll say (which always seems to come so eloquently) and miraculously knowing how the other person will respond (apologetic and clearly seeing what you say is nothing short of the truth). I've become an expert at these lately. Call me crazy, but I've been having these potential talks in my brain every day for the past few weeks. There are so many questions I have, but more than that, so many things I would say if I had the chance.
But why wait for that chance? Do I really want to go back there to make that conversation a reality? When this new season in my life started, I was relieved. Ready to start fresh. Looking forward to what came next. But that initial enthusiasm has worn off, and I feel myself slowly backing up.
Over the past few weeks at Elevation, Pastor Steve has been teaching about Hebrews 12. I've lost count of how many times I've watched the first video podcast of the series. I'm trying to surround myself with the things of God, with books, scripture, music, sermons, prayers. I'm trying to lean solely on Him, to flood my thoughts with what He has to say, hoping it will drown out the other conversations that are trying to take over.
The first sermon focuses on the first three verses of the chapter:
1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Pastor Steve touches on an idea based on the second half of verse one that really spoke to my heart. The writer of Hebrews says let us throw off everything that hinders AND the sin that so easily entangles. There are two different things here that I am being told to let go of. Pastor Steve clarifies by saying"...there are some things that hinder me that are not even sins, but I still have to get rid of them". There were aspects of my past that were sinful and I struggled with letting them go, but now it seems like I'm not holding on to a sin, but rather that first statement; things that hinder. My memories, my questions, my hypothetical conversations - they are hindering me from fixing my eyes on God. I've having those conversations rather than having conversations with the only One who can truly calm and reassure my heart.
I got rid of physical representations of hindrance today. Old photos, keepsakes. And this time they are not tucked away in a box on the highest shelf of the closet. They are totally gone. I'm hoping that by doing this, the emotional and mental hindrances aren't too far behind. God took me out of the relationship that hindered. Now I'm trying to do my part.
God isn't trying to hurt us by taking things away, He tries to untangle us to give us something better.
Untangling sucks. But my heart would much rather be in conversation with the One who loves unconditionally and has a plan for something better, than pretend to talk to someone who can't give any satisfying explanations.
Wednesday 30 November 2011
Tuesday 22 November 2011
Elevation
When my sister and I travelled to North Carolina last Easter, we were blessed with the opportunity to attend a serivce at Elevation Church. I have since been downloading the sermons of the Pastor Steve Furtick and listening whenever I get the chance. It never ceases to be amaze me how good God is. He has led me to a church that speaks to my heart and is helping heal my spirit. Despite being unable to physcially attend a service on a Sunday morning, I am able to worship alongside their incredible music leaders and be spiritually challeged as I listen to sermons on iTunes each week. This church has truly been a blessing to me and I will be forever grateful to my God for the healing He has provided for me through this place.
Something I need to be more diligent of is spending time reflecting and praying about the truths with which God has presented me. I am hoping that by putting my reflections out into the blogosphere I am kept accountable to this. Even if no one is reading, I know Someone will be looking forward to each new post.
Something I need to be more diligent of is spending time reflecting and praying about the truths with which God has presented me. I am hoping that by putting my reflections out into the blogosphere I am kept accountable to this. Even if no one is reading, I know Someone will be looking forward to each new post.
Monday 14 November 2011
Another Song for Today?
This one a little more hopeful. In a perfect world, this would have been the open arms response I would have received instead of the slammed door reaction I did get.
Maybe one day.
Maybe one day.
Sunday 13 November 2011
Dis/honesty
In my most recent of relationships, mistakes were made on my part. I betrayed the trust of the person I loved most because I chose to seek out the good in another. I put faith in this individual who I considered a friend. He ended up manipulating my openness. I placed myself in a vulnerable situation of which he quickly took advantage.
I chose to be honest with my partner. Honesty's the best policy, even when it's the hardest choice, right?
My truthfulness led to a prolonged break up. I knew it was coming, but I worked so hard to try to gain back the trustworthiness I had lost in his eyes. Neither of us was ever able to confront this other person, and so I bore the brunt of all my love's anger, disappointment, disillusion, as well as my own.
Five months I spent terrified that each day would be the last one I spent with him, because he could not forgive or let go of the pain I caused. I prayed tearfully every night that God would soften his heart, would show him how to graciously love me unconditionally. God who told me to pray to him earnestly and without ceasing, because he knew the desires of my heart. Hate to admit, but I'm kind of disappointed in him too.
So now it's done. I told him he could hold on to me or my mistake. He chose my mistake.
And the one I had chosen to trust, who I believed was a friend? Last I checked, his life is flawlessly intact. Those whom he loves and cherish still surround him. I'm confident in saying that he hasn't breathed a word of what happened between us to a soul, much less to the ones he loves so much.
How is it possible that the world I live in punishes honesty and rewards a lie?
One of my favourite bloggers posted this a few days ago. I find comfort in her words and I am trying to take them to heart, but I don't know that forgiveness and grace are a part of me right now. The bitterness which has taken residence in my heart seems quite comfortable for the time being.
I chose to be honest with my partner. Honesty's the best policy, even when it's the hardest choice, right?
My truthfulness led to a prolonged break up. I knew it was coming, but I worked so hard to try to gain back the trustworthiness I had lost in his eyes. Neither of us was ever able to confront this other person, and so I bore the brunt of all my love's anger, disappointment, disillusion, as well as my own.
Five months I spent terrified that each day would be the last one I spent with him, because he could not forgive or let go of the pain I caused. I prayed tearfully every night that God would soften his heart, would show him how to graciously love me unconditionally. God who told me to pray to him earnestly and without ceasing, because he knew the desires of my heart. Hate to admit, but I'm kind of disappointed in him too.
So now it's done. I told him he could hold on to me or my mistake. He chose my mistake.
And the one I had chosen to trust, who I believed was a friend? Last I checked, his life is flawlessly intact. Those whom he loves and cherish still surround him. I'm confident in saying that he hasn't breathed a word of what happened between us to a soul, much less to the ones he loves so much.
How is it possible that the world I live in punishes honesty and rewards a lie?
One of my favourite bloggers posted this a few days ago. I find comfort in her words and I am trying to take them to heart, but I don't know that forgiveness and grace are a part of me right now. The bitterness which has taken residence in my heart seems quite comfortable for the time being.
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