Ever stage conversations in your head? Plan the whole dialogue in your mind, knowing what you'll say (which always seems to come so eloquently) and miraculously knowing how the other person will respond (apologetic and clearly seeing what you say is nothing short of the truth). I've become an expert at these lately. Call me crazy, but I've been having these potential talks in my brain every day for the past few weeks. There are so many questions I have, but more than that, so many things I would say if I had the chance.
But why wait for that chance? Do I really want to go back there to make that conversation a reality? When this new season in my life started, I was relieved. Ready to start fresh. Looking forward to what came next. But that initial enthusiasm has worn off, and I feel myself slowly backing up.
Over the past few weeks at Elevation, Pastor Steve has been teaching about Hebrews 12. I've lost count of how many times I've watched the first video podcast of the series. I'm trying to surround myself with the things of God, with books, scripture, music, sermons, prayers. I'm trying to lean solely on Him, to flood my thoughts with what He has to say, hoping it will drown out the other conversations that are trying to take over.
The first sermon focuses on the first three verses of the chapter:
1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Pastor Steve touches on an idea based on the second half of verse one that really spoke to my heart. The writer of Hebrews says let us throw off everything that hinders AND the sin that so easily entangles. There are two different things here that I am being told to let go of. Pastor Steve clarifies by saying"...there are some things that hinder me that are not even sins, but I still have to get rid of them". There were aspects of my past that were sinful and I struggled with letting them go, but now it seems like I'm not holding on to a sin, but rather that first statement; things that hinder. My memories, my questions, my hypothetical conversations - they are hindering me from fixing my eyes on God. I've having those conversations rather than having conversations with the only One who can truly calm and reassure my heart.
I got rid of physical representations of hindrance today. Old photos, keepsakes. And this time they are not tucked away in a box on the highest shelf of the closet. They are totally gone. I'm hoping that by doing this, the emotional and mental hindrances aren't too far behind. God took me out of the relationship that hindered. Now I'm trying to do my part.
God isn't trying to hurt us by taking things away, He tries to untangle us to give us something better.
Untangling sucks. But my heart would much rather be in conversation with the One who loves unconditionally and has a plan for something better, than pretend to talk to someone who can't give any satisfying explanations.
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