In my most recent of relationships, mistakes were made on my part. I betrayed the trust of the person I loved most because I chose to seek out the good in another. I put faith in this individual who I considered a friend. He ended up manipulating my openness. I placed myself in a vulnerable situation of which he quickly took advantage.
I chose to be honest with my partner. Honesty's the best policy, even when it's the hardest choice, right?
My truthfulness led to a prolonged break up. I knew it was coming, but I worked so hard to try to gain back the trustworthiness I had lost in his eyes. Neither of us was ever able to confront this other person, and so I bore the brunt of all my love's anger, disappointment, disillusion, as well as my own.
Five months I spent terrified that each day would be the last one I spent with him, because he could not forgive or let go of the pain I caused. I prayed tearfully every night that God would soften his heart, would show him how to graciously love me unconditionally. God who told me to pray to him earnestly and without ceasing, because he knew the desires of my heart. Hate to admit, but I'm kind of disappointed in him too.
So now it's done. I told him he could hold on to me or my mistake. He chose my mistake.
And the one I had chosen to trust, who I believed was a friend? Last I checked, his life is flawlessly intact. Those whom he loves and cherish still surround him. I'm confident in saying that he hasn't breathed a word of what happened between us to a soul, much less to the ones he loves so much.
How is it possible that the world I live in punishes honesty and rewards a lie?
One of my favourite bloggers posted this a few days ago. I find comfort in her words and I am trying to take them to heart, but I don't know that forgiveness and grace are a part of me right now. The bitterness which has taken residence in my heart seems quite comfortable for the time being.
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